Holding Less Tight
Yesterday I dropped Hannah and her friend off to see a movie. They called when it finished. I said I would be there to pick them up after I got my other kids from school. They waited about fifteen eternal minutes and called to ask if they could go to Walmart while they waited for me. I said yes but reminded them to be careful because they were crossing Ford Road a.k.a. a land-mine. I could see the rolling of the eyes penetrating my iphone and hear the exasperated sigh as she answered, "Yes, I know."
About fifteen minutes later I texted her to make sure she got to Walmart safely. No response. I texted again in two eternal minutes, "HELLO?!" Again no response. I began calling. No answer. I called again five times. No answer. I called her friend. No answer. I said to myself, "What was I thinking letting them cross that insane road. I am so stupid." That was my heart talking, then my head piped in, "They are sixteen, I think they know how to cross the street." The dialog between my heart and head went on several more minutes before I decided that was enough of that and let it go.
Just as I did let it go, the phone rang...it was the princess. She informed me that she had her phone on silent, because of the movie and all. I told her, in a not-happy mother voice, that was fine during the movie but she needed to turn it back on so that her parents could get hold of her because after all that is WHY WE PAY FOR IT!! Sigh. Then I asked her why her friend didn't pick up when called. She cheerfully informed me, "Oh, he didn't have his phone even on." I resign. Can I do that?
Anyway, I shared with her my worry when I couldn't reach her. As the words fell out of my mouth, I knew it was the usual ugly paralysis taking hold of me. The one where I think I can control the future of my kids.
It comes along a lot less than it use to but it still comes. This idea of something really bad happening again to one of my kids makes me filled with paralyzing fear. It makes sense, right? I mean who wouldn't have those kind of fears after losing a child. Legitimate as it may seem to give me permission to go there, it is not healthy physically or spiritually, not the best for my kids, and not living by faith. Worry is not a measure of love. It is a symptom of sickness and it robs. After all I can not add a single hour to my life by worrying.
Giving my kids over in complete trust to the One who created them is the biggest challenge I have ever encountered in my faith. I may not have it perfected but one thing I am certainly grateful for are whispers reminding me to hold less tight. As the awareness of my tight grip grows, the fears shrink. How many of you would like a life with less fear? Start by holding less tight.
About fifteen minutes later I texted her to make sure she got to Walmart safely. No response. I texted again in two eternal minutes, "HELLO?!" Again no response. I began calling. No answer. I called again five times. No answer. I called her friend. No answer. I said to myself, "What was I thinking letting them cross that insane road. I am so stupid." That was my heart talking, then my head piped in, "They are sixteen, I think they know how to cross the street." The dialog between my heart and head went on several more minutes before I decided that was enough of that and let it go.
Just as I did let it go, the phone rang...it was the princess. She informed me that she had her phone on silent, because of the movie and all. I told her, in a not-happy mother voice, that was fine during the movie but she needed to turn it back on so that her parents could get hold of her because after all that is WHY WE PAY FOR IT!! Sigh. Then I asked her why her friend didn't pick up when called. She cheerfully informed me, "Oh, he didn't have his phone even on." I resign. Can I do that?
Anyway, I shared with her my worry when I couldn't reach her. As the words fell out of my mouth, I knew it was the usual ugly paralysis taking hold of me. The one where I think I can control the future of my kids.
It comes along a lot less than it use to but it still comes. This idea of something really bad happening again to one of my kids makes me filled with paralyzing fear. It makes sense, right? I mean who wouldn't have those kind of fears after losing a child. Legitimate as it may seem to give me permission to go there, it is not healthy physically or spiritually, not the best for my kids, and not living by faith. Worry is not a measure of love. It is a symptom of sickness and it robs. After all I can not add a single hour to my life by worrying.
Giving my kids over in complete trust to the One who created them is the biggest challenge I have ever encountered in my faith. I may not have it perfected but one thing I am certainly grateful for are whispers reminding me to hold less tight. As the awareness of my tight grip grows, the fears shrink. How many of you would like a life with less fear? Start by holding less tight.
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