Mystery

Walking the halls at University of Michigan Hospital yesterday for Alisha's doctor appointment gave cause for some reflection. It was an almost a year ago we were residence there for almost three weeks, in the i.c.u.

There is much mystery surrounding the events that took place during those weeks. We never did get resolve as to why Alisha became as sick as she did as fast as she did, causing cardiac arrest. I can still see my husband's tears running down his cheeks as he clearly understood we were loosing our daughter. I did not understand. It all happened so fast.

Being whisked away to a waiting room I did understand. I had done that several times before. We sat in that room in the middle of the night praying, pleading it was not her time. And it wasn't. God is so good.

By the time we received news of her condition it came with little answers and a lot of wait-and-see prognosis. Going back to see her attached to life support confirmed their slicing words of worry. Our daughter looked like she had met the enemy.

As I glided down those halls yesterday, I wondered what I had processed from now the "balcony". I know when I was in the "dance" it was hard to see something bigger at work. I wrestled more with my lack of trust in God's plans. I sought stability of my spirit in the moments of watching erratic machines and hanging on the oscillating coat tails of doctors' input and theories. There was a lot of wrestling going on.

When Alisha recovered it was about as quick as her descent. Within in a few days of coming home one would have never known the battle she had just won. My battle didn't end as quick. Months to follow I was fatigued both physically as well as emotionally. I spent a lot of time seeking answers to no avail. I left the answers alone. I surrendered the wrestle.

This should not surprise me. So much of Alisha's life has involved questions, mystery. My relationship with her revolves around it. She always give me just enough to make me keep wanting more.

 If there is one word I would use to describe the amazing journey I have been on with Alisha it would be "mystery". There has always been more unanswered than answered. Likewise I would use the same word "mystery" to describe the amazing relationship and journey I am on with my God. Maybe therein lies some of the answers I seek.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Too Much

Image
“We expect too much from people,” my mom said. These words are some of the last my mom spoke to me before she died from cancer. From diagnosis to death was a mere four months and I craved more words from her than these. I wanted her to cram in all the words that would cover every pain, every disappointment, and every question for all the days I would be without her. There were not enough words to meet my expectations. I expected to have my mom until she was very old, not until she was a young fifty-eight. We. Expect. Too. Much. Over twenty years later and these words prove to be more than enough. That little word too. It means over, more than enough, noting excess. If I expect someone to be there for me over what I can receive from God than it is too much. If I expect a friend to figure out my problems without seeking wisdom from the scriptures, then I have noted people in-excess of the Word. When I expect someone, anyone other than Jesus to give me...
Read more

A Moving Story

Image
"Caleb where is the "For Sale" sign?" I yelled to my ten year old boy who let me know multiple times how much he didn't want to move. The "Sign" making a ten minute debut disappeared as quickly as it went up. "I TOOK IT DOWN BECAUSE WE'RE NOT MOVING!" Caleb unabashedly confessed. "WELL, GET OUT THERE AND PUT IT BACK IN THE GROUND. IT'S NOT YOUR PROPERTY, " I retorted knowing darn well he could care less it wasn't his property. Out he slumped and stomped. I expected him to storm back through the door within a minute, carrying on about his fierce resentment toward me for making him move. Minutes went by and he still hadn't come in. I peered out the front window to see what was taking him. There he was straining to shove the poles back into the dry yard along with help from the red-headed, assertive six year old neighbor girl, Kamrynn. (I know that's how you spell her name because she spelled it on my d...
Read more

Shining Love

Image
The word of the week is love. I stepped into Alisha’s room this morning to get her ready for school. She was already awake at 6:00 a.m., which is common. As soon as I turned the light on, a giant grin rose on her face. That too is common. “Good morning sunshine,” I greeted her. Her mouth and eyes parted wide, legs and arms shrunk close to her body as her head pushed down and up in the pillow before she released a shriek of joy. “Shhh,” I told her, placing my finger over my mouth to signal ‘quiet’. Louder eruptions beamed. I did not feel amused like her. I walked into the kitchen to check on the coffee brewing. Still not ready, I returned to Sunshine. As soon as I entered the room, her eyes found me, following me around as I tended to her needs. Jeff always says it’s ridiculous how much she loves me. If we are both in the room, she won’t even look at him. “I’m here too Alisha,” he will tell her. He will even stand in front of me to block her view. She'll turn her...
Read more